A  Cordial  Invitation  to  NRIs ,  from  their  friends  at  KNRICA

Date = Thursday, 20040101
Subject: KNRICA
 

Dear Sir/Madam :
 

Thank you for your interest in our new international venture, "KNRICA" (pronounced Nuh-Reeh-Kaah). We are very excited about it. We are confident that you will be too, after you read on for more details about it.

KNRICA is a totally free service. Our resources are substantial; so money is not what we are doing this for. Our prime goals are:

           1. to promote global understanding,
           2. to help NRI's feel good about themselves,
  and   3. for us (and for India) to be in the NRIs' "good books".

KNRICA was conceived by a team of ex-NRI's, so that our services should be exactly what NRI's desire.  KNRICA has already achieved ISO 9000 certification.

 

Services

Attachment 1"Services", lists the services that KNRICA currently provides.

 

Eligibility

This service was expressly designed for the exclusive benefit of Non-Resident Indians (NRI's).  However, as a gracious gesture, eligibility has been extended to certain other groups also. Please refer to Attachment 2"Eligibility", to determine whether YOU qualify.

 

Enrollment

If you wish to avail of any of our services listed in Attachment 1, AND if you feel that you meet the eligibility requirements of Attachment 2, please contact us. Application blanks will be rushed to you.

Please note that we may take longer to process your applications during the traditional "Invasion Seasons".  These correspond to the (American) 4 th of July and the Christmas holidays of the West.

If you are accepted, you will be admitted to membership for life. Send no money. There is no subscription or fee of any kind.

 

Thank you, and long live the Glorious Culture of the MotherLand That You Love So.  

-- Director, KNRICA


Attachment 1 : Services currently provided by KNRICA


KNRICA proudly provides the following services:

1. Arrival and departure assistance at the following airports (civilised names in parentheses) :

* Mumbai (Bombay)
* Dilli (Delhi)
* Kolkata (Calcutta)
* Chennai (Madras)
* Bengaluru (Bangalore)

The assistance at the airports will include :

* luggage-handling

* bribing the various airport authorities as and when needed

* traditional and religious welcoming ceremonies designed to increase your worth in the eyes of the native masses.  (We have religious zealots of all stripes specialising in their religions of expertise. Some are even disguised as "Nationalists". Also, in keeping with the times, we have recently added "Democracy", "Globalisation", and "Anti-terrorism" to our religious repertoire. Please inform us, ahead of time, of your religion of choice. We treat all religions equally, but Hindus are more equal than others ... they don't need to inform us ahead of time.)

* providing hotel accommodations and onward reservations

* miscellaneous assistance (also provided to any under-age children of the arriving or departing NRI's)

 

2. If requested ahead of time, a KNRICA volunteer can be provided to assist you throughout your stay in your dear MotherLand. This will relieve you of chores such as:

* bribing local authorities, police etc
* fighting wars with taxi-drivers, rickshaw-wallahs, etc
* haggling over prices of proof-of-travel "cultural" goodies that you must take back from India
 

3. When India suffers natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes, we will be here to alleviate your discomfort by assisting you to efficiently channel your generous monetary help to the poor, suffering natives in your MotherLand. Just hold your fund-raisers in comfort in your foreign country, and send the money to us. It will be promptly delivered to the politicians of your choice.

 

4. We can help you love your cultural heritage without leaving the comforts of your foreign country. Just contact us for the "Authentic" Indian goodies (fabrics, audio-video culture, jewellery, musical instruments, books, etc) that you desire. They will be promptly shipped to you via courier.

 

5. As a further expression of pride in your ancient culture, you can get house-guests in the form of visiting Indian luminaries (such as actors, poets, musicians, politicians, other-worldly 'soul'-agents) during their regular pilgrimages abroad. Experienced NRI's vouch that there is no better path to self-aggrandisement. They swear that this also flushes out any residual guilt-feelings.

 

6. If you are a 'professional' such as a doctor or a surgeon, we can arrange to sneak you into teams of doctors treating luminaries in India. The political fallouts for you can be very substantial.

 

7. In partnership with the free, intelligent, and fearless mass-media in Bharat, we can use our propaganda clout to turn you into national heroes in Bharat, based on your achievements.  (The only condition for availing of this `hero status' is that the achievements, great or small, real or perceived, must have occurred in your foreign land.)

 

8. We can provide guidance in "Preserving Your Indian Culture" in any children you may be raising in your foreign land.

 

----------------------------
Please Note:

All KNRICA services are provided absolutely free. PLEASE DO NOT think of "tipping" the KNRICA volunteers assisting you. They are likely to feel offended. They are all affluent.  Their sole purpose in providing their services to you, is for them to be in the "good books" with NRI's.

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Attachment 2 : Eligibility Requirements for membership in KNRICA


KNRICA was expressly designed for the exclusive benefit of Non-Resident-Indians (NRI's). However, as a gracious gesture, eligibility has been extended to certain other groups also.

Individuals residing in Bharat (really, "India" for the NRI's) are not eligible for the service. Even among the NRI's, those residing in the United States of America will receive top preferential treatment.

Please note that RNI's are currently ineligible for this service.

For the purpose of determining non-eligibility for this service, RNI's (or "Resident Non-Indians") are defined as the overwhelming majority of the `educated' Indians who suffer the misfortune of still having to physically reside in Bharat, while their minds, hearts, and souls have already landed in the U.S.of A.

Please note :

1. The above-stated non-eligibility of RNI's is expected to be relaxed soon. This might happen as soon as another star is added to the U.S. flag, OR as and when ordered by the WTO, the World Bank, or the International Monetary Fund.

(When this relaxation occurs, some of the exclusiveness of membership may be lost. To preserve it, we will then add new eligibility criteria. At present, the following criteria are under consideration :

a) fluency in English. The candidate must be fluent in the English language. At least, he must think he is.
b) having had a blood-relative resident in U.S.A. for at least five years.
c) Proof of obscene
wealthiness abroad. )

2. All Indian politicians, even if resident in Bharat, who are plying their trade here, are eligible for this service.

("Politicians" includes all persons who, by virtue of having been elected in any of the free and democratic elections frequently held in Bharat, are currently "serving" The-People-of-This-Great-Land.

If a person wishes to avail of eligibility in this "Politicians" category, certification of the free-ness and democratic-ness of the election in question must be obtained from the U.S. Department of State, on form F&DE-420.)

3. Also eligible are all those who have ever served in this manner in the past, as also all the persons who have contested such elections but have failed to get elected.

4. Persons of foreign nationalities who hold seats in the Lok Sabha, and others who have succeeded in buying seats in the Rajya Sabha are also eligible.

5. Persons who regularly make inflammatory public statements to the detriment of Pakistan, BanglaDesh, Iraq, Lybia, or Islam in general, are also eligible.

(note: Bad-mouthing the currently "good" Muslim regimes -- such as Egypt or "Saudi" Arabia -- is invalid for the purpose of availing of this anti-Muslim criterion.

For an up-to-date list of such "good" Muslim regimes, please refer to the latest U.S.State Department bulletin "How We're Making the World Kinder and Gentler". A new volume is published daily, so be sure you have the latest.

Due to electronic traffic-congestion, you may sometimes have difficulty in getting a prompt response from the over-worked staff at "Kinder and Gentler Inc." For such a contingency, a number of identical mirror-sites are available. These are in the form of the 'governments' of United Kingdom, Australia, India, etc. More mirror-sites are under construction. And if all else fails, the U.N. is always open.)

 

Other groups may be added to this eligibilty list from time to time.
 

Our Name

"KNRICA" (pronounced Nuh-Reeh-Kaah), stands for "Kiss the Non-Resident Indians' Collective Ass".

 


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