Dear Sir/Madam :
Thank you for your interest in our new international venture, "KNRICA" (pronounced Nuh-Reeh-Kaah). We are very excited about it. We are confident that you will be too, after you read on for more details about it.
KNRICA is a totally free service. Our resources are substantial; so money is not what we are doing this for. Our prime goals are:
1. to promote global understanding,
2. to help NRI's feel good about themselves,
and 3. for us (and for India) to be in the NRIs' "good books".
If you wish to avail of any of our services listed in Attachment 1, AND if you feel that you meet the eligibility requirements of Attachment 2, please contact us. Application blanks will be rushed to you.
Please note that we may take longer to process your applications during the traditional "Invasion Seasons". These correspond to the (American) 4 th of July and the Christmas holidays of the West.
-- Director, KNRICA
Attachment 1 : Services currently provided by KNRICA
KNRICA proudly provides the following services:
1. Arrival and departure assistance at the following airports (civilised names in parentheses) :
* Mumbai (Bombay)
* Dilli (Delhi)
* Kolkata (Calcutta)
* Chennai (Madras)
* Bengaluru (Bangalore)
The assistance at the airports will include :
* bribing the various airport authorities as and when needed
* traditional and religious welcoming ceremonies designed to increase your worth in the eyes of the native masses. (We have religious zealots of all stripes specialising in their religions of expertise. Some are even disguised as "Nationalists". Also, in keeping with the times, we have recently added "Democracy", "Globalisation", and "Anti-terrorism" to our religious repertoire. Please inform us, ahead of time, of your religion of choice. We treat all religions equally, but Hindus are more equal than others ... they don't need to inform us ahead of time.)
* providing hotel accommodations and onward reservations
2. If requested ahead of time, a KNRICA volunteer can be provided to assist you throughout your stay in your dear MotherLand. This will relieve you of chores such as:
* bribing local authorities,
* fighting wars with taxi-drivers, rickshaw-wallahs, etc
* haggling over prices of proof-of-travel "cultural" goodies that you must take back from India
All KNRICA services are provided absolutely free. PLEASE DO NOT think of "tipping" the KNRICA volunteers assisting you. They are likely to feel offended. They are all affluent. Their sole purpose in providing their services to you, is for them to be in the "good books" with NRI's.
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Attachment 2 : Eligibility Requirements for membership in KNRICA
KNRICA was expressly designed for the exclusive benefit of Non-Resident-Indians (NRI's). However, as a gracious gesture, eligibility has been extended to certain other groups also.
Individuals residing in Bharat (really, "India" for the NRI's) are not eligible for the service. Even among the NRI's, those residing in the United States of America will receive top preferential treatment.
Please note that RNI's are currently ineligible for this service.
Please note :
1. The above-stated non-eligibility of RNI's is expected to be relaxed soon. This might happen as soon as another star is added to the U.S. flag, OR as and when ordered by the WTO, the World Bank, or the International Monetary Fund.
(When this relaxation occurs, some of the exclusiveness of membership may be lost. To preserve it, we will then add new eligibility criteria. At present, the following criteria are under consideration :
2. All Indian politicians, even if resident in Bharat, who are plying their trade here, are eligible for this service.
("Politicians" includes all persons who, by virtue of having been elected in any of the free and democratic elections frequently held in Bharat, are currently "serving" The-People-of-This-Great-Land.
If a person wishes to avail of eligibility in this "Politicians" category, certification of the free-ness and democratic-ness of the election in question must be obtained from the U.S. Department of State, on form F&DE-420.)
3. Also eligible are all those who have ever served in this manner in the past, as also all the persons who have contested such elections but have failed to get elected.
4. Persons of foreign nationalities who hold seats in the Lok Sabha, and others who have succeeded in buying seats in the Rajya Sabha are also eligible.
5. Persons who regularly make inflammatory public statements to the detriment of Pakistan, BanglaDesh, Iraq, Lybia, or Islam in general, are also eligible.
(note: Bad-mouthing the currently "good" Muslim regimes -- such as Egypt or "Saudi" Arabia -- is invalid for the purpose of availing of this anti-Muslim criterion.
For an up-to-date list of such "good" Muslim regimes, please refer to the latest U.S.State Department bulletin "How We're Making the World Kinder and Gentler". A new volume is published daily, so be sure you have the latest.
Other groups may be added to
list from time to time.
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